More Fun Lines at Work

To the girl who came in acting like she was hot shit, and later spilled her latte all over the floor (now sporting a completely different attitude):
Her- "I am so sorry."
Me- "Hey, it's fine. Whenever you're ready you can come up to the front, and we'll ring you up for the cleaning fee."
Her- "There's a cleaning fee?"
Me- "No."

A woman came in with two very small children. They were nagging, whining, pulling at her arm trying to be held. In addition she had a diaper bag, and was attempting to get her stroller in the door that the kids refused to sit in. I felt for her. She didn't want my sympathy. She ordered a few drinks, two cupcakes for the little ones, and also asked where the high chairs were. Despite the line behind her, I asked if I could help them beyond the counter. She said no. She had almost made it to the table of choice in one piece when she dropped one of the cupcakes on the floor. Hoping to avoid a screaming kid, as well as any more unnecessary stress in her life, I promptly brought her another cupcake. She bent down, picked the other up off the ground, and while refusing the new one said,
"Oh, no thanks. It's okay. Really. My kids eat off of the floor all the time."
-"Three second rule family huh?" (In a joking tone)
-"Sure." (In a very non-joking tone)

Another woman came in around 9:30am only to unexpectantly see our gleaming cupcake selection:
"OH. OH NO! OOOHHH God. Why? Wow. Oh, this is bad."
Me- "Mam, it's not like drinking. I won't judge you if you have one before noon. Hell, I wouldn't judge you if you had a drink before noon either."

I only divulge myself because I can usually keep a straight face through all of this, but this last one broke me. She asked for a dark chocolate mocha frappe with whipped cream. Cool, coming right up. Then she asked, "Oh, and can you make that as low calorie as possible?" People have every right to order whatever they want void of criticism, but not to say something that blatantly absent minded to me. I wanted to tell her to do a few laps around the building first if it was a pressing issue, but decided laughing aloud was harsh enough.