Lady Friends

Storm clouds loomed over head when I arrived at a new coffee house. In the backyard area they were having a junkyard sale with what looked like a bunch of residents from the surrounding neighborhood bringing just that; junk. Heavy winds were forcing them to pack up their piles of crap, but not before I scored a hard cover copy of a Kurt Vonnegut novel on the cheap from a paperback Star Trek junkie.

Inside appeared to be the creation of two business partner's incoherent collaboration. On one side of the room there was a bar with the Sunday football games on, but fluffed up a bit with a couple of the largest round paper lamps I've ever seen dangling like testicles made up of the planet Jupiter from the exposed ac ducts and ceiling. On the other side was the coffee counter with random pieces of art just kind of strewn about without any themes or uniformity. This little lady behind the counter looked more like a frazzled librarian type that was too loud to keep her post. Anyone ever see the movie Liar Liar? Remember the eccentric woman in Jim Carrey's office who kept changing her hair style, and asking him what he thought when he couldn't lie? That is this girl behind the counter. When she asked what I wanted I said, "Just coffee." She looked like she was translating an obscure language, but couldn't figure out the code. "Wait, WHAAAAT did you say?" - "Just coffee."

Her boyfriend came in as her shift was ending. He stood about 5'4" decked out in slacks and a sharp button up. If dress weren't the most descriptive feature a person usually wears, I wouldn't feel the need to describe it in any way, but they were quite the opposing styles. They sat next to me on the couch. Thank God for the headphones and my focus that evening, because they proceeded to suck face and giggle like idiots, "I like you more." - "NO, I like you more!" (Great you're both lame. Neither of you win.) To my bewilderment, a guy came over from the bar across the building to announce, "I just came to say that you and your lady friend are sooo cute." They weren't cute. I wanted to back hand him immediately for emboldening their bothersome petting, but she took offense to his statement before I could stand up and rear back. "Lady friend? What I'm not fit to be considered an actual girlfriend?" (Boyfriend) "Ah, here we go..." - "WHAT!?" - "He was just complimenting us babe." - "I know, but LADYfriend sounds so informal don't you think?" And so the debate went with the guy awkwardly trapped trying to recant his failed sincerity when he should've just kept his happy ass at the bar all along.

I actually laughed to myself because, in 8 years, I've only dropped my guard enough to call two ladies my girlfriend. The rest have affectionately been described as ladyfriends also. To these bizarre beans canoodling like school kids next to me: you know who you are...