Ice Age State of Mind

People, people, peeeeoople, let's get one thing straight: I recognize that sarcasm can be a low form of comedy, especially when precisely directed at a less worthy adversary. I don't ever pick on intellectually deficient folk, BUT I do aim to challenge everybody to maintain a certain societal standard of reason, aptitude and basic common sense while in my presence. Anyone who doesn't similarly do this is simply un-American and contributing to the day that our public schools recruit Chinese citizens to come over here and teach our children the English language.

As this here story goes, our ice dispenser broke recently so we did the most logical and time efficient thing we could to keep our customer's drinks cold. We put a big bucket of ice in a convenient spot next to the soda machine on an elevated position with a scooper. Problem solved, right? Bah! Not in this day and age. What happened next turned into the greatest social cafe experiment the world has ever seen. Once we have concluded our findings and compiled them into a comprehensive report, I'm convinced that our contribution to humanity will be one that makes Dr. Zimbardo's obsolete.

1st: The big out of place bucket of ice was placed in the middle of the drink window to split the difference of those who get sodas on the left and a choice of 1 of 3 iced tea options on the right. This failed miserably to grab the attention of more than of those who stood irritated with nothing being dispensed from the broken ice machine.

2nd: We moved the bucket underneath the soda machine since everybody always went there regardless for ice independent of what drink they were getting. This attempt failed even worse as 3/4 of people never bothered to look down at all.

Last: We moved the elevated bucket out a foot so people would quite literally have to reach over it or go around to get to the soda machine where they previously got their ice. While this final attempt did drop the rate at which people "informed" us we were out of ice to well under 50%, it was still shocking how many continued to miss the mark altogether.

The play by play...

"Uhhh, like, you're like totes out of ice!"

"Calm down cool guy, there is TO-TAL-LY a bucket right in front of you."

"OHHHH." -- "Yeah, better luck next time, doofus."

Sure an out of order sign up could've been a quick fix, but that would've just hurt these patrons in the long run. To these bizarre beans who have had their ice handed to them on a silver platter their whole lives: you know who you are...

Cool Beans on a Warm Evening

Tis another suffocating summer swelter in the Lone Star State; the kind of mugginess that makes your buttcrack sweat even in the evening. This heat isn't good for hot chocolate, safe upward extensions of the arm, corduroy pants, nor hipsters that think cutoff jeans are stylish (or ever were for that matter), but it is good for one thing in particular: ice cream! Yes, this is the perfect evening for some ice cream with a righteous place down the road to go. That being said, Amy, her dog, Snoopy, and yours truly all started our walk for Amy's Ice Cream of course.

Well, when we got there the line was whack, Amy had to stay outside in the sauna with Snoop dog, she couldn't decide which flavor she fancied and said she'd just have a bite of mine, I told her another place would have to freeze over before that happened, and tensions were pretty much flaring up all around when one of the scooper dudes tried to do a trick with the ice cream and dropped it on the ground. Pit stained arms went up in accordance with grumbling in the crowd about a mutiny, and being closest to the door I decided to get out while I still could.

As fate would have it, we walked another couple of blocks further to get a pint at the corner store and came upon a bum before we could cross the street. Anticipating his begs I was instead caught off guard when he asked if I had any food. We were empty handed. Rather than consider him wildly un-observant I took this as a genuine request. I know what you're thinking. We got the chocolate chip cookie dough flavor. While walking back home I gave the bum the sandwich and chips that would've never been necessary had it not been for all of the people in front of me pissed off about ice cream at the other place. The bum's response was priceless, "Whoa! Cool BEANS!!" Ha! He also apologized for his appearance and for asking me for money before, but said he hadn't eaten in days. I reminded him that he didn't ask me for money, but for food. He replied, " You have a good heart. I don't know what your brain is like, but you have a good heart." To this bizarre bean: I should've gotten you a beer too...

A Tidbit About Tiles

While writing one evening I stopped for a restroom break. Amidst my business I looked ahead at the writing on the walls following left to right and casually scanned upwards. In a precarious position, and with no rhyme or reason, a random tile closer to the ceiling, which had obviously originally been blue, was at some point painted over yellow with a streaking brush. In a black marker two different writing styles shared a significant short conversation on the lone tile. It read:

Pen 1- "A blue tile pretending to be yellow."

Pen 2- "Aren't we all..."

Wow. Try getting hit with that truth while attempting to get through a quick piss. To these bizarre beans who somehow saw life's lessons in a single tile: you know who you are.